This evening I found myself punching "sugar" trash into a trash bag and screaming as I punched " I"M NOT HAVING FUN ANYMORE!!!." with rage as I punched down a ice cream container so my hubby wouldn't see my shame. He is 66 and doing heavy labor tonight and it occurs to me that all that hard work for the 4 hours he begged extra for will have been spent on a binge I went on as he worked and I was alone. I am not a happy camper. My motto of having fun as the weight drops off just isn't happening.
That stops now. So I'm sitting here thinking what I can do to make this fun again. My son had said "just do what you did before to lose weight." when I told him I had regained some of the weight. Well, I don't think the red color diet and the getting off sugar program really mesh. I'm not ready to cry uncle with that just yet. BTW I had all that ice cream ( like at least 2,000 calories worth) as "dessert" with my high protein dinner. I just can't wait to let go of this excess regain anymore.
That 5 pounds was nice, but hasn't budged more and with good reason. I've been on such crying jags of feeling lonely again and feeling fear over paying yet more huge unforeseen bills again since last wed. when we got our SS check minus a huge chunk taken out without prior warning. Too long a story. I just got angry said "F" it!" started eating 3x the "healthy " stuff- all within that 3 meals-protein step 3. But Radient Recovery is not about losing weight, It's about becoming stable and eventually over many many months getting off sugar as you become more stable. Then you can slowly lose no more than 1 pound a week on her weight loss program.
This is where I feel I now, once again, have to do what is right for me, where I am right now. I first went on the Red Color diet for health reasons. I was afraid of diabeties, had High Blood Pressure and was in physical pain and couldn't walk. Guess what? I'm in physical pain again and blood pressure is back up. I can still walk and I REFUSE to let go of that.
Slow just won't get it anymore. I must once again find fun ways to fill my life up where I just don't think of or want that food fix anymore.
And now for a cold , hard truth many of us don't want to face-I'm sorry , but in the long run- eating too many high calories (esp high "empty" calories) will prevent weight loss. I'm not saying I'm going to write down every single calorie I eat. I am saying that my plate will be a small :dessert" plate with first weighed protein on it, then I can add small portion side dish. I can have all the green salad I want in separate bowl and that's it! 3x a day. I am 65 years old and only 5 ft tall and no, I'm NOT "big boned". My body doesn't need more than that. Of course-only healthy oils used and probiotics and omega 3's taken or eaten.
Then comes the fun part. Figuring out how to fill all that time with activity that give me pleasure in the home when not feeling lonely and going out when feeling lonely. As I read back over my blogs from last summer I realized how much time was spent outdoors with my son at the lake , Other things I did also cost money to do, something I no longer have the funds to do with. I've already set up Tuesday and Thursday afternoons this summer to be spent with my grandsons. Sunday is church stuff till around 2. I swim MWF afternoons and Sometime after mid July I begin my hospice volunteer opportunity. I am so looking forward to that.
7/3/16-3 days later later.
I would so love to tell you that I followed the above plan-maybe I should wait a month or two before declaring how I've turned corners.I know a lot of you come here for an "upbeat" message but I Decided to keep it real here because, if not here then where? Perhaps my struggles will find answers that will help someone else. Someday I pray to be able to say"This is what I learned." but right now, life has been really hard-those "lesson situations" have been coming hard and fast. I laugh when I think how hard I thought it was last March-life can always get harder, but then I still count my blessings. My husband, children and grandchildren and even pets are still alive. As long as there is life there can be improvement.
At this point-it's one day at a time. I talked to Kathleen last night and learned some deep underlining feelings I never saw coming. As I talked about new emotional (family related fears and upsets) that came up in last few days Kathleen asked questions that went beyond what was happening that triggered deep feelings of abandonment that I never even remotely connected as an abandonment issue. I thought abandonment was literal; like a parent leaving you or dying, but it can be many other things. All my life I felt like I was on the fringe and didn't quite fit in and even when I would finally find a group I did feel an even part of then one by one they would move away. Not cognitively abandoning me but gone all the same-loneliness creeping back in.
Kathleen is helping me find ways to be my own best friend. To take myself out. Having grown up with 6 siblings ( yes, feel abandoned by my brothers- so wish my sisters lived close by) I went from family to marriage to children that just now have finally all left home. When I see my daughter and her family doing fun stuff around town on FB I so wish I'd been asked to go too-then realize they have a life of their own and have fun doing these things with their peer group , like my hubby (who loves being alone-the ultimate happy hermit, it is not their responsibility to entertain me.
So here I am, 65, and starting my life all over again, searching for new paths and new "fun." Kathleen had praised me on how much control I'd had the year I lost 140pds-but I didn't feel like Control came into it-I was so determined that I have fun with it-that it not be hard. I can't help but feel that I still want that fun in my life. I can't go back-sure I can still do some "fun" things like using aromatherapy but It's time to open new books in my life. I'd love to hear what you do when you feel lonely-how you entertain yourself when the weather or cost prevents you from leaving the house & TV bores you silly. Have a great 4th all fellow Americans-I will, my grandchildren and daughter are coming from down south.